Between pocketing, benching, breadcrumbing, it seems like there’s basically a term to cover every relationship behaviour out there. And, the latest of the bunch is whelming, which might come off as a simple dating trend, but is actually a symptom of a much wider problem. Here’s everything you need to know about the toxic new dating trend.
What Is the Dating Trend, Whelming?
The all-new dating trend is basically when your dating app match complains to you about how overwhelmed they are by the number of other matches they’ve been getting. Simply put, it’s when they’re essentially bragging about how attractive they are and making you feel like you should be grateful to be given the opportunity to interact and connect with them.
TBH, whelming can be really frustrating when it’s done by someone who’s on an ego trip, but it actually is a symptom of a real problem for plenty of people trying to navigate modern dating. For many of us, constantly swiping and looking at endless potential matches can genuinely feel too overwhelming. “This happened with me when I was very new to dating apps and it got too overwhelming. I didn’t do it intentionally, but it was getting difficult to handle many options at a time. I realised it later on and stopped, but yes it was pretty unnecessary to do that,” reveals Shivani Dixit, 26, Writer.
Feeling Overwhelmed With Online Dating
Earlier, online dating used to be a small corner of the internet, but not anymore. There seems to be a specialist app for anything you might be looking for, whether it’s sex, a long-term partner or someone with the exact same music taste as you. Truth be told, it has never been easier to hook up with a new partner, but all that choice can feel overwhelming. If you’ve been experiencing the same, here are some ways to deal with it:
Ways To Cope With Feeling Overwhelmed
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it doesn’t mean you should delete your accounts and bid adieu to online dating altogether. There are plenty of ways to deal with your feelings while still having fun.
Be More Selective
Yes, talking to everyone to explore your options might sound fine, but we really suggest you limit yourself to only say four new matches a week. That way you can actually talk to people that you really fancy, and not just anyone and everyone.
Don’t Rely On Apps To Find ‘The One’
Exploring your options online and trying to come across someone you can connect with is fine, but don’t make it all about social media. Ensure that you’re still open to meeting someone IRL too. Get out there, go to bars, and join a new class, there’s nothing wrong with old-fashioned dating!
Limit Your Screentime
“When I first tried out online dating, it got really addictive. In a few days, I was swiping at the workplace, on my way back, and during my bedtime,” says Shivani. She also shares it all worked out for her when she limited her dating app screen time to 20 minutes a day. Limit your time, and you’ll find it’s easier to avoid getting stuck in the old scroll hole.
Are You Being Pocketed? Watch Out For Toxic New Dating Trends
You remember when Priyanka Chopra spoke about keeping her relationships private on Koffee With Karan? She said, “Ache cheezon ko chupa kar rakhte hai warna nazar lag jaati hai.” Well, we totally agree with her, but hold on, there’s a huge difference between keeping things private and hiding your relationship! Being cautious and keeping things private in order to be sure is one thing, however, dating someone who treats you like a secret is another and there’s even a word for it- pocketing! Simply put, the toxic dating trend is about someone putting you inside their pocket and hiding you from their friends, family members, and colleagues.
This obviously means that your partner doesn’t post about you on social media either. Pocketing can happen for a lot of reasons, including the following:
Your Partner May Be Seeing Multiple People At The Same Time
One of the most obvious reasons why people engage in pocketing is because they’re already in a relationship or they’re currently dating multiple people.
Still Involved With Their Ex
One of the reasons why pocketing can happen is when someone isn’t done with their ex. Their relationship is still complicated and they’re unsure if they want to patch things up with their ex or start a new one.
Signs You’re a Victim of Pocketing – One of the Rising Dating Trends
Here are some signs to watch out for that mean that you’re being pocketed – which is a very problematic dating trend:
Your partner never discusses or shares things about their family and friends with you. Even when you bring up the topic, they dodge it, and would rather talk about something else.
They prefer to not see meet you in the bar/restaurants/cafes that they frequently visit. And, they also suggest meeting on the other side of the town where they reside.
In case your partner is pocketing you, they’ll avoid you on social media too. For example, if you happen to drop sweet comments on their pictures, they’ll never reply to you and acknowledge you in public.
Should You Be Concerned With All These Common Dating Trends?
Well, if your partner doesn’t believe in posting things on social media and is a private person in real life too, and if you’ve only just started seeing someone, then you shouldn’t be worried. However, if you’ve gone out with the person 12 times only for them to post about the food, the drinks, the place, basically everything except you, then there are high chances that you’re being pocketed!
What Should You Do?
Pocketing can have a detrimental effect on a person’s self-esteem levels and can force them to wonder if they aren’t worth it. It can also develop a fear of rejection in one. If you find yourself to be in a similar situation, it’s best to remember that it has nothing to do with you and more to do with the person you’re seeing. Talk to them once, and if you realise they’re not interested in communicating, it’s probably because they’re not in it for the long haul. It would be wise to then reevaluate the relationship and take a step back.
Is Your Partner Secretly Talking To Their Ex? Here’s What You Need To Do
Is it okay for two people to be in contact after their breakup? Well, there’s no right answer and it totally depends from person to person. While I’m someone who likes to take the more traditional way of running the the other way after spotting their ex at the local deli, this person I was dating a few years ago, was best friends with his ex, and even met her every week. TBH, that relationship ended for an entirely different reason, but I’ll admit it was awkward for me to be with someone who was so close to his ex. So, if you’re in a similar boat, here’s how you can go about it.
Communicate, Don’t Argue
I understand that you are hurt and upset, but arguing is not going to take you anywhere. Instead, calmly ask your partner, in a non-accusatory way why they’ve been in touch with their ex. Believe it or not, but there’s a possibility that there may be quite innocent reasons. Explain your side and how it makes you feel.
Observe Your Partner’s Reaction
Take note of your better half’s reaction when you ask them about texting their ex. Are they angry, shocked and defensive or are they calm, composed and trying to offer a genuine explanation? This’ll help you decide better whether you should really be worried about your relationship or not.
Stop Bringing It Up Every 5 Seconds
While you might not be able to get this topic off your mind, bringing it up every five seconds into the conversations, even playfully, isn’t going to help your situation. It might just end up irritating your partner, which will eventually lead to a bigger argument. No, I’m not saying to not ignore the topic or that your feelings don’t count, simply think things through and share and discuss it with your partner like adults.
Share Your Feelings
Are you comfortable with your ex being on good terms with their partner? Or does that make you uncomfortable? It would be wise to share what you feel with your partner, rather than just going along with it. Communicating clearly is the key and will help you navigate through the situation.
Do not arrive to conclusions immediately. Instead, take time to think clearly, listen to what your partner has to say, and only then decide what you want to do. If you’re don’t want your partner to continue talking to their past lover, just say so clearly!
“Negging” Is the Toxic Dating Trend to Look Out For—and We Know How to Spot It
Navigating the complex and ever-changing world of dating apps can be tricky.
There’s always a new term or trend to look out for, from oystering to dry dating, and in a sea of people all seeking different things, finding people you have shared interest and common ground with while swiping from left to right can be tricky.
But beyond the swipes and witty one-liners found on these dating profiles can lay something far more sinister – something we should all look out for called “negging”.
Negging is an act of emotional manipulation whereby someone insults you with a backhanded compliment to undermine your confidence.
Real Life Examples of Negging – A Common Dating Trend
“Negging is a term coined by pickup artists where somebody kind of insults you to increase their social value in your head,” she says in the clip.
“Although we know that anyone can insult us, there’s a part of our brain that thinks: ‘Well they just insulted me, they must be better than me, I need to prove myself to them’.”
Ali says that on dating apps, this is often represented as an insult about an entire group of people that makes you want to say “no-no not me”.
To further explain negging, Ali posted anonymous screenshots of different dating app profiles, including one person who put “I want someone who has their shit together and is worth my time” as an example of negging, along with another person’s profile, where they wrote: “We’ll get along if you have a sense of humour. I know that’s setting the bar pretty high.”
More Subtle Examples
While she says those examples of negging are more “obvious” there are subtler examples of it, like another profile she shared which said: “If I ask you what books you read and you say ‘I’m more into movies’ I’ll probably ghost you.”
“This guy wants you to prove you have his definition of intelligence,” she says. “Also totally the dude who would say the book was better than the movie.”
In order to tell whether you’re experiencing negging or not, Ali says to focus on whether you have that feeling of not being good enough.
In the comments, many people shared their experiences with negging.
One wrote: “My entire last relationship was this. He did this when we met on an app but as you mentioned, it made me want to prove myself to show I wasn’t like the other women and it definitely set the tone for the rest of our relationship.”
Another said: “A guy once said to me ‘This is weird for me – I usually date models, it’s refreshing to date a normal girl.’ It was such a slap in the face but so insidious that I couldn’t do anything but sit there and smile. Sometimes you don’t even realize how messed up it is down the line, but it can have a major impact on you.”